I remember a little framed quote that I always used to keep at my desk. It read “If your heart was really broken, you would die.”
It was a constant reminder to my no-nonsense cynical self that a heartbreak was not that painful. Heartbroken to me was nothing but a theatrical misconception that a stoned poet conjured.
How can someone “break” your heart? It had no physical connotation what-so-ever. At least, that is what I thought.
So, when do you realize that a heart-break is very real?
What does it take to realize that a “heart-break” actually has a very tangible physical connotation to it?
It takes waking up one morning, suddenly stripped off your denial and realizing that your life has changed a great deal.
It takes coming to terms with the fact that your house will smell of yesterday’s breakfast and that you are going to smell of freshly dried tears for a while.
It takes sleeping with frizzy hair and puffed eyes in your old clothes that were supposed to be in the washing machine, a week ago.
It takes a sink full of undone dishes, untouched homework and a heavy heart.
It takes waking up to the smell of Nutella and banana pancakes and grasping that you still don’t have an appetite.
What does it take to realize that a “heart-break” actually means that you are broken?
You slowly start to realize that you don’t make plans for “We”.
You realize that suddenly you have no one to tell the most unimportant details of your life to. You smile when someone says how being single feels great even though every time you think about the fact that you are single, it feels like someone just punched you in the gut.
It is normal to panic at the very sight of emptiness. When an important person leaves our life, it creates a void. We hate emptiness and we immediately fill that void with something, no matter how meaningless it might be.
That is why he becomes a box of chocolates. He becomes a new hair-cut. He becomes a new job, a new city. He becomes a gold fish you cannot take care of. He becomes a new hobby or a garden.
He becomes a box of condoms in your rebound phase.
And slowly, he becomes everything that you try to thrust in to fill the void that he left behind.
What does it take to realize that a “heart-break” takes its own time to heal?
It takes days when you are smiling because it seems like there is finally a new beginning. That feeling lasts only until memories of a seemingly sweeter yesterday pushes you back to the corner of your bed where you cannot even stand the thought of your own blanket touching you.
It takes days when you feel that life is downright unfair. It takes days when you plead with destiny to give you just another first time with the familiar. It takes sleepless nights and days when you just live to oversleep.
And then it takes those most important days. The worst days. The days when somewhere in between a busy meeting, an excel file, a meaningful book, a funny movie or just before you drink a sip of water on a random afternoon, you wonder.
You wonder, however did I let something so perfect be ruined?
And it is on those days that you realize that a heart-break is very real after all.